Since the #MeToo movement in Quebec in 2017, we've been hearing more and more about consent. Yet, it was in 1983 that the Canadian Criminal Code reform took place, marking its initial recognition. More than 40 years later, it is still not a concept understood by all. Let's talk about it!
Concretely, what does it mean... in real life? Is it just saying "yes" or "no"?
Consent is at the heart of all our intimate interactions — and it is often more nuanced than we think.
What exactly is consent?
Consent is the act of giving one's agreement, or not, to something specific. It must be a clear, free, and informed agreement to participate in a specific activity or act. In sexuality, this means that every person involved agrees, without pressure, without fear, and with all the necessary information.
There is an acronym that helps to clearly nuance it: FRIES (Free, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, Specific):
- Free: Without pressure, manipulation, blackmail, or constraint. Did you know that a "yes" that comes after insistence is not, legally, a true "yes"?
- Reversible: You can change your mind at any time. By the way, at what point should an intimate interaction end? We often focus on orgasm or ejaculation to mark the end of sexual intercourse, whereas in fact, several reasons can lead to stopping contact. In all scenarios, someone will eventually have to say "stop": "Stop, I'm tired." "Stop, I had a lot of fun and that's enough." "Simply, stop." There are no good or bad reasons to stop.
- Informed: We understand what we are consenting to and we are in a state to consent. And yes! Did you know that, according to the law, a person is only able to consent when they are conscious (i.e. awake!) and understand the proposed sexual activity? And intoxication in all of this? Legally, it's assessed on a case-by-case basis. What this means is that as soon as you doubt the other person's ability to give valid consent, you must abstain!
- Enthusiastic: It's a yes that means YES! Silence, hesitation, or an "I don't know..." are not consent. Besides, isn't it more pleasant when you know the other person really wants it?
- Specific: Consent is for a specific activity. Saying yes to one thing doesn't mean saying yes to everything. For example, agreeing to kiss someone doesn't mean agreeing to have sex.
With sexuality comes responsibility!
It is everyone's responsibility to ensure that our sexual partner genuinely wants it. How?
- Ask simple questions: "Are you okay?", "Do you like this?", "Shall we continue?";
- Observe the other's reactions. If the other person smiles, moans, or makes an inviting movement, these can be positive signals*. If, on the contrary, the other person frowns, tries to push you away, or cries... it's a sign to stop immediately;
- Leave space for the other person to express themselves. State that their pleasure and consent are important to you. Give them time to answer your questions;
- Also, we can find our own ways, like codes, to express ourselves (for example: green, yellow, and red, or "if I tap your shoulder, it's a sign to take a break").
What if we changed our view of consent?
Remember that no one is perfect and that we may have already experienced unclear situations, said yes when we didn't want to, or didn't know how to react to a refusal. The important thing is to reflect and look forward, asking ourselves how we can put consent at the heart of our next intimate exchanges, for everyone's well-being!
You know, unfortunately, consent is often associated with an obligation or a constraint. However, properly understood, it can become:
- a sexy communication tool;
- a way to increase trust, complicity, and pleasure;
- a way to ensure your safety and that of your partner at all times;
- a means to have more positive, satisfying, and respectful experiences.
Remember that the best way to know if the other person wants it... is to ask them.
